ASEAN Meeting

During the ASEAN meeting, all PM of the ASEAN countries were present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY. 

During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind." 

Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter." 

LKY of Singapore was not impress and say, "I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made SGD$50 million a year." 

Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the fuck can you do with just SGD$500 only ?" 

And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"

ARMED AND DANGEROUS

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. 

"What's the matter?" he asked 

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news." 

"What's the bad news?" 

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear." 

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" 

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

NEW BATH

Many years ago an English lady in Africa was invited by an important local chief to be the first person to use his new bath – the first one in that of Africa.
The lady went into the bath-house, turned on the taps and got into the nice, warm water. But when she looked up, she was frightened to see an eye watching her through a hole. She got out, dressed and ran outside. She saw an old man and a donkey there. He was carrying a petrol of hot water in one hand, and one of cold water in the other hand; and in front of him were two funnels.
“Why were you watching me in my bath?”, the lady asked him angrily.
The man answered politely, “ I have to see which tap you turn on, madam, or I don’t know whether to pour in, hot or cold water”. 

HAIR CUT

There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...

TWO NURSES AND A MAN

In the the church, there were two nursẹ One nurse was very good at Maths, the other was very good at logic. 
_One day, two nurses had to do some work in a place very far from their work. After finishing the work, they returned their church. When they were walking on the way back to the church they meet a mạn .The man seem to wanted thẹm .Very panic, two nurses started to rụn .Unfortunately, the man chased them. When they met a cross wạy, the nurse who was good at maths said that: " if he still chase us with this speed, he will catch us after 15 minutes morẹ .So, We should seperate each other. You should run through this way and I will run through that wạy .That means the man can only hurt one of us ". Another nurse agreed and they seperatẹ .The nurse who was good at maths return church safelỵ .She didn't see another nurse in church and she got worried.
_But after 5 minutes later, the nurse who was good at logic return church. This nurse said " when the man caught me, I pulled my skirt and the man took off his trouses " . " My God, what was happened to you ". The other ask.  " Nothing, as you know the man who was taking off his trousers could not run as fast as a woman who was pulling her skirt " answer the nurse good at logic. 

SECRETARY & DIRECTOR

Two man were talking to each other. 
The first man said : 
- I underwent a terrible adventurẹ You know, my beautiful secretary invited me to her house to drink on my birthday. She offered me a cup of Martini and fresh fruid while I was listening to romatic music. And she said " I will go to my bedroom to prepare somethịng Please go to my bedroom after 5 minutes later, is it OK " 
The second man said : 
- It is wonderful. Why do you look so sad ? 
The first man said : 
- But when I went to her bedroom I saw every members in my officẹ They were singing " Happy Birthday " song. 
The second man said: 
- It must be very happy time of yours 
The first man responsed 
- Not at all, at that time I was naked.

GOOD FRIEND

Can buy a house but can not buy home .Buy a clock but can not buy time .Buy medicine but can not buy health .Buy book but can not buy inteligent .Buy title but can not buy respect .Look ! money is nothing , but it brings difficulties and miserableness....So , you should to send money to me ....I will suffer your miserableness.

KARATE IN HEAVEN

There were two old buddies who continued to compete in karate tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if there is karate in heaven and made a pact that whoever passed away first would come back and let the other know. 

About a week later one of the old Karateka passed away. About a month after that the surviving old Karateka was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he saw an apparition. Sure enough it was his old buddy who had come back to see him. 

"Well, please tell me," asked the surviving Karateka. "Are there karate competitions in heaven?" 

"I have good news and bad news for you," replied the apparition to his old karate buddy. 
"The good news is that, yes, there are karate competitions in heaven.The bad news is that your first match is against Gichin Funakoshi the day after tomorrow."

1 SECOND

One man come to see God and ask him : "how long is 1000 years ?"
"For me , just one second" God replied .
"So how much is US$1000? "_The man asked
"For me , it is just 1 cent "_God said
"Could you please to give me 1 cent ?"_The man asked
"Ok , wait for 1 second "_God smiled .

FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked. 

"Hunting flies," he responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked. 

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

IT COULD BE WORSE

Frank constantly irritated his friends with eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would remake: “It could have been worse.” To cure him of this annoying habit, his friend decided to invent a situation so bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. 
On the golf course one day, a friend said: “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then return the gun on himself.” 
“That’s horrible.” Frank said, “But it could be worse.” 
“How could it possible any worse?” the friend asked angrily. 
“Well,” Frank answered, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead.”

A GOOD CHESS PLAYER

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." 

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." 

A FROG CALLS A PSYCHIC

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" 

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

LIARS

A soldier went to his C.O., a colonel, and asked leave to go home because his wife was ill.
"I don't like to refuse, John," said the CO, "but as a matter of fact, I've just had a letter from your wife saying she was allright now and, therefore, leave is not necessary".
The man saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped, turned and remarked: "Colonel, there are two whopping liars in this regiment, and I'm one of them. I'm not married".

THE BLONDE & THE K-9 PATROL DISPATCH

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.  Returning home from
work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
 As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and
moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send a
BLIND policeman!"

THE QUIET BURGLAR

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
 "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
 "No, no, no!" said the man.  "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I've been trying to do that for years!"

LAUGH TILL YOU CRY

One day, the boss asked one of her workers,
“Do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes,” answered the worker.
“Good,” the boss said, “because after you left early yesterday to attend your grandfather’s funeral, he dropped by to see you.” (!)

THE TRUTH

A man was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. All through the meal, the host kept calling his wife by all kinds of sweet names: “Darling,” “Sweetheart,” “Honey,” “My dear,” etc.
Impressed, the guest said to him, “It’s really nice that you say those things to your wife after all these years you’ve been married.”
The host whispered, “To tell you the truth, I forget her name five years ago.” ( so harsh I’m unbelivable that it’s true!!)

LIPSTICK

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says “Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose”. And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks “Did you powder your nose?” “Yes” said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. “Well then” says the little girl, “You’d better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.”

LOOSE WEIGHT

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call                                (800) XXX-XXXX               ” and decides to make the call.
The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
“Ten pounds,” he replies.
“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.”
“We’ll send someone over.”
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!”
“Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”
The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…

YOUR WIFE HAS HIV

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife’s test results.
. Receptionist: - I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
. Mr. Smith: -What do you mean?
. Receptionist: -Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.
. Mr. Smith: -That’s terrible! Can we take the test over?”
.Receptionist: -Normally, yes. But you belong to an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
. Mr. Smith: -Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
. Receptionist: -The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her”.

ABSOLUTELY DEAD

Two hunters named Bubba and Earl are out in the woods hunting, when Earl falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Bubba whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, “My friend looks like he’s dead! What can I do?”
The police operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help…First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard……Bubba then says, “OK, now what?”

BAD LUCK

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning”, said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”, he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

6 INCHES OF SNOW

An English lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you” the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t because you will make fun of me” the black man says.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.
“Fine, my name is Snow” And with that , the lady bursts into laughter,
and of course the black man gets upset and says, “I knew you would make fun of it”
The lady replied, “No no no no…..its my husband ..he won’t believe me when I tell him that I got six inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!”

SMART STUDENT

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"
Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

MEDICAL PROBLEM

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

ALLIGATORS IN THE POOL

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "
You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

RADIO CONVERSATION

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

PUNISH

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says:

"We only have one rule here in heaven .. "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says :

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day..
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter ... who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks ... But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says :
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" Blushing


The guy says :
"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" 
:( :cry: :) :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

LIAR

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

MARRIED

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited?"

The groom replies, "I just had the best oral sex I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited?"

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow of my entire life.

THI ĐỖ

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Sh!t! THAT'S the word"

YOU DARE

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

OLD PEOPLE

Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE

This couple has only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies.
He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?"  Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."

He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when thewife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.  I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

RoboTeacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. 
He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Fast as Lightning

A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.

He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

My Sister Is In The Army

A man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised
herself as a man and was able to join the army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress
with the boys and shower with them too.  Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged, "But who'll tell?"

Why Can\'t We All Just Get Along?

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.  One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before  takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney'sshoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That  looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was  gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat inn it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions?  This hatred? This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Catch a Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

he smart way to catch Burglars

It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

The religious Horse

Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.
The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.
He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.
The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah' said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?

My Boyfriend is Stuck

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

The Wild Old Man

An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a teenage girl who was going through the sale racks. The teenage girl had a Mohawk dyed in various colors: pink, purple, green, and yellow. The old man kept staring at her.
Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally broke down and sneered, "What's the matter, old dude? I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you?"
The old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drunk one time and was with a Macaw. I was just curious if you were related!"

Their Sons

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Run

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.
However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.
A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Two Blind Pilots

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

The College Rules

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms. "If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least." So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car.

Too Many Fires

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.
"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"
The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief."

Ý NGHĨA HOA

" Hoa có ngôn ngữ riêng  của chúng .Ngôn ngữ này là loại hình ngôn ngữ  hùng biện nói bằng sự im lặng ngát hương , dịu dàng , đam mê và thậm chí có cả sự vô tư của hạnh phúc và đầy màu sắc . Không một lời nào nói ra lại có thể đạt đến sự tinh tế của ý nghĩa cho bằng một loài hoa của một mùa nhất định . Do đó những lời nói dịu dàng nhất cũng có thể đựoc diễn tả mà không phải là hành động mà ngay cả nỗi đau cũng sẽ được xoa dịu chia xẻ .Đó là lúc ngay cả giọng nói du dương nhất cũng trở nên chói tai vì có những nỗi đau chỉ có thể an ủi bằng tiếng nói của sự im lặng hài hoà của các loại hoa ."
_Hoa Hồng đỏ : Tình yêu nồng nàn
_Hoa Hồng hồng  : Tình cảm nhẹ nhàng _Tình bạn .
_Hoa Hồng trắng : Tình cảm thanh cao , trong sáng .
_Hoa Hồng cam : Tình yêu nồng nàn , say đắm .
_Hoa Hồng xanh : Lạc quan , hy vọng .
_ Hoa Hồng vàng : Lạc quan , yêu đời .
_ Hoa Hạnh Đào : Thầm lặng , mỏi mòn .
_ Hoa Cỏ Chân Ngỗng : Bị bỏ rơi .
_ Hoa Táo : Sự hâm mộ, ưa chuộng .
_ Hoa Cúc Tây : Chín chắn , tình yêu muôn màu .
_ Hoa Loa Kèn : Sắc đẹp lộng lẫy .
_ Hoa Trà : Duyên dáng , cao thượng .
_ Hoa Thuỷ Tiên : Sự ích kỷ , yêu chính mình .
_ Hoa Thược Dược : Sự tao nhã , lòng tự trọng .
_Hoa Cúc trắng : Sự ngây thơ .
_ Hoa Lưu Ly _Forget Me Not : Tình yêu chân thật .
_ Hoa Nhài : Sự đáng yêu .
_Hoa Huệ Tây : Sự thanh khiết .
_Hoa Sim : Tình yêu .
_Hoa Păng_Xê : Vật kỷ niệm , nhớ nhung , hoài tưởng .
_Hoa Mẫu Đơn : Xấu hổ .
_Hoa Anh Túc : Sự an ủi , lãng quên .
_Hoa Hoàng Anh : Sắc đẹp bất diệt .
_ Hoa Hướng Dương : Sự giàu có , giả tạo .
_Hoa Tulip : Lời tỏ bày của tình yêu .
_ Hoa Violet : Tính khiêm tốn .
_ Hoa Súng : Sự hùng biện .
_Hoa Lan : Sắc đẹp , lời xin lỗi .
_ Hoa Mõm Chó : Tính tự phụ , kiêu ngạo .
_ Hoa Đỗ Quyên : Sự chừng mực .
_Hoa Chuông : Lòng biết ơn .
_ Hoa Dâm Bụt : Sắc đẹp tinh tế .
_Hoa Diên Vỹ : Tôi có một thông điệp cho em .
_Hoa Oải Hương : Sự ngờ vực .
_Hoa Mimosa : Nhạy cảm .
_Hoa Ly : Sắc đẹp lộng lẫy .
_Huệ trắng : Sự tinh khiết .
_Huệ vàng : Làm đỏm , làm dáng .
_Cúc Đại Đóa ; Tình yêu bị xem thường .
_Hoa Mõm Chó : Tính tự phụ , kiêu ngạo .
_Hoa Cẩm Chướng Râu : Lòng can đảm , tài trí , khéo léo .
_Hoa Cẩm Chướng :Tình bạn ,sự quý mến
_Anh Thảo vàng : Ưu thế của sự duyên dáng _Sắc đẹp tuổi trẻ .
_Hoa Nghệ Tây : Sự vui mừng , tươi tắn .
_Hoa Layơn : Sức mạnh tính cách .
_Hoa Mộc Lan : Sự lộng lẫy .
_Cúc Vạn Thọ : Nỗi đau buồn .
_Cúc trắng : thơ ngây ,trong trắng
_Cúc vàng :Lòng yêu kính
_Cúc vạn Thọ : Nỗi đau buồn
_Cúc Đại Đóa : Lạc quan trong nghịch cảnh
_Cúc Tây : Chín chắn
_Thạch Thảo :Sự lưu luyến ,đợ̣i chờ .
_Hoa Tử Đinh Hương tím : Những cảm xúc ban đầu của tình yêu .
_Tử Đinh Hương trắng ; Sự hồn nhiên của tuổi trẻ .
_ Hoa Phong lữ : Sự ưu ái .
_Hoa Nhài trắng : Sự dễ thương .
_Hoa Nhài vàng : Duyên dáng , tao nhã .
_Hoa tường vi hồng: Anh yêu em mãi mãi.
_Hoa tường vi vàng: Anh sung sướng được yêu em.
_Hoa tường vi: Anh đã bắt đầu yêu em.
_Hoa cẩm chướng :Tình bạn.
_Hoa Đồng Tiền : Sự may mắn , niềm vui sướng ,hân hoan ,tài lộc

FLOWER MEANING

Flower have their own language . This language is an eloquent language that is spoken with fragrance, silence, passion and color. Flowers can express all our feelings from the most passionate of love through hope, anticipation, desperation to even pain and cruelty. Flowers can in some seasons represent the delicacy of your feelings better than any words ever can. Let the high notes of flowers sing the songs of your love and let their gentleness console the hurt that words cannot.
-Red Rose :True love
-Pink rose :Feeling , friendship
-White Rose :Pure love
- Orange Rose : Passionate love
-Purple Rose :Faithful love
-Green / Blue Rose ; Hopefully
-Yellow Rose :Optimism
-Almond Blossom : Desperation
-Anermone: Be forgot
-Apple Blossom :Adoration
-Aster : Matureness, colorful love .
-Calla Lyli : Beauty.
-Camellia: Charming , noble
-Carnation : Friendship
-Chrysanthemum : Optimism
_Yellow Daisy : Respect
_White Daisy : Innocence
-Daffodil :Selfish , love your ownself
-Dahlia : Elegant
-Daisy; Innocence
-ForgetMenot : Truly love
-Jasmine: Lovely
_Lily : Freshness
-Myrtle: Love
-Pensy : Memory
-Peony: Shyness
-Poppy : Console , forget
-Stock : Extenson beauty
-Sun Flower : Rich untruly
-Tulip : Express your love
-Violet: Modesty, Loyalty
-Water Lily : Eloquence
-Orchid : Beauty , appology
-SnapDragon : Arrogance
-Azalea :Moderation
- Canterbury :Gratefulness
-Cornflower : Gentle , dedicate
-Hibiscus : Charming
-Iris : A message for you
-Lavender : Doubt
-Mimosa : Sensitiveness
-Lily : Beautiful
_White Lily : Freshness
- Yellow Lily : Posturing
_Yellow Chrysanthenum :Unrespected love
- Snapdragon : Arrogance
-Sweet william :Braveness ,Cleverness
-Sun Flower : Untruth wealthy
-Cowslip : Advantage of Charming
-Crocus : Happiness
-Gladious :Strong determine character
-Magnolia : Gorgeousness
-Marigold :Sadness ,disadvantage.
-Purple Lilac :First feeling of love
-White Lilac : Innocence of youth
-Scented Geranium :Good feeling
-White Jasmine : Beautifulness
-Yellow Jasmine :Charming
_Gerbera : Lucky, prosperous.

Section 1 - C: The writer’s intention and attitude

Section 1 - C: The writer’s intention and attitude

  Critical reading requires the reader to recognize the writer’s intention and attitude. Much of the writer’s intention and attitude is communicated through the writing style, tone and genre the writer utilizes.
  Now read the following passages and try to recognize the writer’s intention and attitude as well as the tone used in them.

EXERCISE 1 
Black – Nosed Buddha
    A nun who was searching for enlightenment made a statue of Buddha and covered it with gold leaf. Wherever she went she carried this golden Buddha with her.
    Years passed and, still carrying her Buddha, the nun came to live in a small temple in a country where there were many Buddhas, each one with its own particular shrine.
    The nun wished to burn incense before her golden Buddha. Not liking the idea of the perfume straying to the others, she devised a funnel through which the smoke would ascend only to her statue. This blackened the nose of the golden Buddha, making it especially ugly.
1. The writer’s intention is:
 to inform to amuse to teach to criticize
2. The writer’s attitude towards the nun is one of:
 Sympathy Criticism Admiration Scornful
3. The tone of the passage:
 Complimentary Ironic Humorous Admonitory

EXERCISE 2 
What Energy Crisis?
    There is plenty of petrol in the pumps. Lots of gas in the pipes. The home fires are burning and the lamps aren’t going out all over Europe.
    Funny sort of crisis. Which is probably why we’re not doing enough about it.
    But although we can’t see it or feel it, the energy crisis is costing us a bomb.
    In eighteen months, the price of crude oil (which provides almost half the energy we use) has multiplied by five. And all our oil still has to be imported.
    The bill we pay is £3,500,000,000 a year. Ten million pounds a day. A sum so big, it can’t possibly be your problem.
    It is, though. That 10 million pounds works out at 20p a day for every man, woman and child in Britain. For a family of four, it’s a millstone of 5.60 pounds a week.
    You can’t shrug it off as a problem for the country to solve. Because the country is nothing more than every man, woman and child in Britain.
    Of course, in a few years, North Sea oil will help us pay our way. But we’ll still have debts to pay. And North Sea oil won’t last forever.
    We’ve simply got to Save It. Not just oil and petrol. But electricity, too, because oil generates a quarter of it. And the less coal and gas we use, the money they’re available to take the place of oil.
    What’s more, we can save it without a lot of fuss and bother. Just with reasonable care.
    Turn down a thermostat. Insulate a pipe. Clean out a furnace. Keep your car in time. You will save a few pounds for yourself, and millions for Britain.
1. The writer’s intention is:
 to describe to give instructions to compare to advise
2. The writer’s attitude towards the saving of energy:
 worry indifference deep concern detachment
3.The style of the passage is:
 chatty personal bookish argumentative

EXERCISE 3: 
    By means of posters, advertisements, lectures and serious scientific books, people are taught how to avoid or cure flu, smallpox, a broken ankle and mumps; at the same time the major part of the world’s literature (which is not to be confused with world literature), almost all the films, magazine stories and radio plays persuade you in an indirect way to catch a much more dangerous disease than any illness, universally known under the name love.
    The main symptoms of the disease are these:
    1) The germ – a charming young lady in some cases, not so charming and not so young in others – makes the silliest and most commonplace remarks and you consider her wittier than Oscar Wilde, deeper than Pascal and more original than Bernard Shaw.
    2) She calls you Pootsie, Angelface and other stupid and humiliating names; you are enchanted and coo with delight.
    3) She has no idea what is the difference between UNESCO and L.C.C and you find this disarmingly innocent.
    4) Whenever she flirts with others and is rude and cruel to you, you buy her a bunch of flowers and apologise. If she misbehaves seriously, you buy her jewelry.
The overwhelming majority of novels, short stories, films etc. teach you that this dangerous mental and physical ailment is something glorious, desirable and romantic. Who are you to question the wisdom of this teaching? You are expected to take the lesson of these high authorities to heart and believe that the world is mostly inhabited by lovers who commit murders and murderers who fall in love.
    I suggest :
    1) Any propaganda inciting to love (in films, short stories, novels, paintings etc.) should be made a criminal offence. The author of such a piece should be sent to a desert island with his beloved for five years.
    2) Any person falling in love should be sent to quarantine in a similar way.
    3) Love should be abolished altogether.
1) The writer’s intention is:
 to persuade to amuse to discourage to teach
2) The writer’s attitude towards love is:
 Sceptical Pessimistic Optimistic Critical
3) The tone of the passage is:
 Argumentative Objective Humorous Ironical

EXERCISE 4: 
    On the afternoon of June 4, 1990, Janet Atkins, a diagnosed victim of Alzheimer’s disease, sat with Dr. Jack Kevorkian in his 1968 Volkswagen van. He had connected her to his home-built death machine, which would give her a means to end her life. Kevorkian told his patient to ‘have a good trip’, as he pushed the button that would activate a powerful barbiturate and deadly potassium chloride into her bloodstream. She then died of a massive heart attack, her death reactivating an age-long debate over euthanasia and the right of terminally ill patients to end their own lives.
    Janet Atkins was fifty-four when she decided to end her life. Even though her doctor had told her she could still live a good life for another year, and in spite of the fact that she was still playing tennis, she made up her mind to die before Alzheimer “peeled her away, layer by layer,” as her husband, who supported his wife’s decision, described it. Janet, a vital and active woman, chose to die before her disease made life unbearable. At her death, she had already lost her ability to read books and play music.
1. What’s the writer’s intention?
2. What is the writer’s attitude towards the issue of euthanasia?
3. What’s the tone of the passage?

EXERCISE 5: 
    Traditionally, mental tests have been divided into two types. Achievement tests are designed to measure acquired skills and knowledge, particularly those that have been explicitly taught. The proficiency exams required by some states for high school graduation are achievement tests. Aptitude tests are designed to measure a person’s ability to acquire new skills or knowledge. For example, vocational aptitude tests can help you decide whether you would do better as a mechanic or musician. However, all mental tests are in some sense achievement tests because they assume some sort of past learning or experience with certain objects, words, or situations. The difference between achievement and aptitude tests is one of degree and intended use.
1) What is the writer’s purpose in this passage ?
2) What is the writer’s attitude toward the subject of testing ?
3) What is the writer’s tone?
    Finally, the critical reader cannot help reacting to the opinions expressed in the passage at some points. The reader brings his own knowledge and background to the reading process: He forms his own ideas, compares them and adds to those of the writer. The reader’s ideas might be the same or quite different from those of the writer. This last but not least step is a necessary component of any critical reading comprehension syllabus.
    What is your own opinion on the issues dealt with in the above passages?
1. Egotism
2. Energy
3. Love
4. Euthanasia
5. Testing
    Do you agree or disagree with the writers’ views? Why?