ASEAN Meeting

During the ASEAN meeting, all PM of the ASEAN countries were present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY. 

During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind." 

Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter." 

LKY of Singapore was not impress and say, "I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made SGD$50 million a year." 

Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the fuck can you do with just SGD$500 only ?" 

And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"

ARMED AND DANGEROUS

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. 

"What's the matter?" he asked 

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news." 

"What's the bad news?" 

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear." 

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" 

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

NEW BATH

Many years ago an English lady in Africa was invited by an important local chief to be the first person to use his new bath – the first one in that of Africa.
The lady went into the bath-house, turned on the taps and got into the nice, warm water. But when she looked up, she was frightened to see an eye watching her through a hole. She got out, dressed and ran outside. She saw an old man and a donkey there. He was carrying a petrol of hot water in one hand, and one of cold water in the other hand; and in front of him were two funnels.
“Why were you watching me in my bath?”, the lady asked him angrily.
The man answered politely, “ I have to see which tap you turn on, madam, or I don’t know whether to pour in, hot or cold water”. 

HAIR CUT

There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...

TWO NURSES AND A MAN

In the the church, there were two nursẹ One nurse was very good at Maths, the other was very good at logic. 
_One day, two nurses had to do some work in a place very far from their work. After finishing the work, they returned their church. When they were walking on the way back to the church they meet a mạn .The man seem to wanted thẹm .Very panic, two nurses started to rụn .Unfortunately, the man chased them. When they met a cross wạy, the nurse who was good at maths said that: " if he still chase us with this speed, he will catch us after 15 minutes morẹ .So, We should seperate each other. You should run through this way and I will run through that wạy .That means the man can only hurt one of us ". Another nurse agreed and they seperatẹ .The nurse who was good at maths return church safelỵ .She didn't see another nurse in church and she got worried.
_But after 5 minutes later, the nurse who was good at logic return church. This nurse said " when the man caught me, I pulled my skirt and the man took off his trouses " . " My God, what was happened to you ". The other ask.  " Nothing, as you know the man who was taking off his trousers could not run as fast as a woman who was pulling her skirt " answer the nurse good at logic. 

SECRETARY & DIRECTOR

Two man were talking to each other. 
The first man said : 
- I underwent a terrible adventurẹ You know, my beautiful secretary invited me to her house to drink on my birthday. She offered me a cup of Martini and fresh fruid while I was listening to romatic music. And she said " I will go to my bedroom to prepare somethịng Please go to my bedroom after 5 minutes later, is it OK " 
The second man said : 
- It is wonderful. Why do you look so sad ? 
The first man said : 
- But when I went to her bedroom I saw every members in my officẹ They were singing " Happy Birthday " song. 
The second man said: 
- It must be very happy time of yours 
The first man responsed 
- Not at all, at that time I was naked.

GOOD FRIEND

Can buy a house but can not buy home .Buy a clock but can not buy time .Buy medicine but can not buy health .Buy book but can not buy inteligent .Buy title but can not buy respect .Look ! money is nothing , but it brings difficulties and miserableness....So , you should to send money to me ....I will suffer your miserableness.

KARATE IN HEAVEN

There were two old buddies who continued to compete in karate tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if there is karate in heaven and made a pact that whoever passed away first would come back and let the other know. 

About a week later one of the old Karateka passed away. About a month after that the surviving old Karateka was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he saw an apparition. Sure enough it was his old buddy who had come back to see him. 

"Well, please tell me," asked the surviving Karateka. "Are there karate competitions in heaven?" 

"I have good news and bad news for you," replied the apparition to his old karate buddy. 
"The good news is that, yes, there are karate competitions in heaven.The bad news is that your first match is against Gichin Funakoshi the day after tomorrow."

1 SECOND

One man come to see God and ask him : "how long is 1000 years ?"
"For me , just one second" God replied .
"So how much is US$1000? "_The man asked
"For me , it is just 1 cent "_God said
"Could you please to give me 1 cent ?"_The man asked
"Ok , wait for 1 second "_God smiled .

FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

"Hunting flies," he responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked. 

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

IT COULD BE WORSE

Frank constantly irritated his friends with eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would remake: “It could have been worse.” To cure him of this annoying habit, his friend decided to invent a situation so bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. 
On the golf course one day, a friend said: “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then return the gun on himself.” 
“That’s horrible.” Frank said, “But it could be worse.” 
“How could it possible any worse?” the friend asked angrily. 
“Well,” Frank answered, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead.”

A GOOD CHESS PLAYER

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." 

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." 

A FROG CALLS A PSYCHIC

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" 

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

LIARS

A soldier went to his C.O., a colonel, and asked leave to go home because his wife was ill.
"I don't like to refuse, John," said the CO, "but as a matter of fact, I've just had a letter from your wife saying she was allright now and, therefore, leave is not necessary".
The man saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped, turned and remarked: "Colonel, there are two whopping liars in this regiment, and I'm one of them. I'm not married".

THE BLONDE & THE K-9 PATROL DISPATCH

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.  Returning home from

work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the

crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

 As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and

moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send a

BLIND policeman!"

THE QUIET BURGLAR

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

 "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

 "No, no, no!" said the man.  "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I've been trying to do that for years!"

LAUGH TILL YOU CRY

One day, the boss asked one of her workers,
“Do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes,” answered the worker.
“Good,” the boss said, “because after you left early yesterday to attend your grandfather’s funeral, he dropped by to see you.” (!)

THE TRUTH

A man was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. All through the meal, the host kept calling his wife by all kinds of sweet names: “Darling,” “Sweetheart,” “Honey,” “My dear,” etc.
Impressed, the guest said to him, “It’s really nice that you say those things to your wife after all these years you’ve been married.”
The host whispered, “To tell you the truth, I forget her name five years ago.” ( so harsh I’m unbelivable that it’s true!!)

LIPSTICK

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says “Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose”. And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks “Did you powder your nose?” “Yes” said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. “Well then” says the little girl, “You’d better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.”

LOOSE WEIGHT

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call                                (800) XXX-XXXX               ” and decides to make the call.
The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
“Ten pounds,” he replies.
“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.”
“We’ll send someone over.”
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!”
“Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”
The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…